One Wing In The Fire

You just never know when something is going to make you remember how much you miss someone you love. Today, when I got in the car after grocery shopping there was a song on the radio that made me catch my breath. I only caught the last chorus and verse (and a bit before that) but it was almost too eerie how much those lines echoed my deepest struggles with Dad's death. Here's the song with some comments from me:



One Wing In The Fire (Trent Tomlinson)

Daddy's been a back-row Baptist
With his share of front-row sin
His Saturday night still on his breathe
Every Sunday when he'd walk in
He's never led the Benediction
He's never sang in the choir
But he's an angel with no halo
An' one wing in the fire

One of the things my parents shared was their faith in God, but I can remember from early on in my childhood how my father rarely went to church. He struggled with the idea of a loving heavenly father allowing his own earthly father to be such a bully. I've heard stories from Dad's relatives of how he used to teach Sunday school, so I know that he at one time played an active role in his church (before he married my mom). And he would have much rather avoided church completely than to go there hung over. But he had his share of "front row sin."

Mamma lives by the Bible
The Bible lives by the bed
An' she's lied alone so many nights
With scriptures in her head.
Prayin', Good Lord, just be with him
I know his Faith is tired
But he's an angel with no halo
An' one wing in the fire

Mom was always the one to make sure we went to Sunday school, choir practice, and catechism classes. I've heard Mom talk about waiting up late nights for Dad to come home from work or a night out with his friends. I also know that Dad's faith was tired and worn thin. So many times he raged at God for the troubles in life. Always blaming God for the difficulties in life. I always found it ironic that Dad would say he was an atheist, but then would blame God for things not going right.

An' I know he lives a little left of liven' right
An he's come close to gone' way to far a few times
But I'd trade a thousand prayers
If just one prayer would come true
Lord, please believe in him, like I believe in you

Isn't that the truth. Haven't we all had those moments. Dad's always came as the threat of killing himself. So hard to live with all those years, but I always prayed that he would come back to God. I wanted him so much to know that love.

daddies always been there for me
From T-Ball to touchdowns
Fixed my car an' fixed my heart
When they've been broken down
I know he calls for more forgiveness
Than most folks do require
But he's an angel with no halo
An' one wing in the fire

Okay, so he wasn't always there for me. In fact I often felt abandoned and wished that he would notice me. He often broke my heart instead of fixed it, but I loved him anyway even though that love was often expressed as hate. I didn't understand him, but I expected him to understand me. I know that wasn't fair, but I was a kid and didn't realize how scared he was to be a father.

An' I know he lives a little left of liven' right
An he's come close to gone' way to far a few times
But I'd trade a thousand prayers
If just one prayer would come true
Lord, please believe in him, like I believe in you

Well, I just can't imagine
What Heaven might be like
If me an' Mamma make it
Without Daddy by our side
Lord, could you please remember
When it's time to call us higher
That he's an angel with no halo
An' one wing in the fire

And there's the problem. I can't imagine getting to heaven and not having Dad be there, but yet I struggle with the not knowing. Yet, I don't really have a choice, and tonight I'm back praying for peace.