Sunday, September 01, 2013

Why Unions are Bad (or Conversations with Cats at 11PM)

I stayed up late last night (yes, 11PM is late for me. I’m old, what can I say?) and didn't spend as much time playing with TheDexter & TheAnnabelle pre-bedtime as I usually do. The following conversation resulted.

For reference:  TD = TheDexter, TA = TheAnnabelle, Me = Me. Also, I have translated from Cat to English so those of you who don’t speak Cat may also enjoy this, and because my written Cat language skills are not nearly as strong as my verbal Cat language skills.

TD (sitting on nightstand staring at me): Play?

Me (laying in bed, facing the nightstand): No, it’s sleepy time.

TD (looks at TA, who is sitting on her throne in the closet, then looks back at me): My union steward says this “sleepy time” you speak of is not defined in our union contract. Play?!

Me (sighing): Actually, I believe it is defined in Addendum B, paragraph 3 as any time the human(s) is/are laying in the bed, especially when it’s dark, to facilitate the process of energy restoration.

TD (looks worriedly at TA, who shifts slightly, then looks back at me): My union steward does concede that is in the contract; however, we argue that since you did not fulfill the minimum “Daily Play Time” clause in the contract that you cannot yet declare “Sleepy Time”. Play!

Me:  No. I played with you earlier in the day, in anticipation of this, and that play time is to be included in the “Daily Play Time” calculations. It is sleepy time, go chase your sister.

TA sits up and stares menacingly at as both.

TD (nervously): I wish to file a grievance then.

Me: A grievance? About what?

TD (gulps): For being denied the opportunity to fulfill the duties for which I was hired.

Me: You were “hired” to chase, and be chased by, TA so we humans could enjoy “Sleepy Time”. By all means, please, go fulfill your duties.

TA looks sternly at TD, jumps to the floor and leaves the room.

TA (resolutely): Past practice indicates that is not true. While that may have been the “official” reason for my hire, past practice indicates that I was hired to be played with by you. If you do not play, I will file my grievance and I will file it all night long. PLAY!

Me (reaching for the cat toy in the night stand): Fine. We will play.

TD (distracted by the shadows created by a car pulling into a parking space outside our window): Umm, never mind, I think I found something more interesting. (TD jumps to the floor and begins to stalk the shadows before turning back to me) But, I reserve my right to file my grievance at a later time. (TD continues with his shadow stalking).

Me: Ugh. This is why unions are bad.

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